luminescentlioness's Blog

Hello.. Figured i would throw and update here in the Blog... Im now living back in PA, with Benji, we are happily engaged and getting Married in April...WOOT!... in school online for ECE... like i always wanted :)... im working on starting a home buisness... Selling Gift Baskets and other odds and ends that i hand make... So if your interested.. hit me up :)

Well, Im slowly in the process of moving to Ohio with Benjamin.... Yea, kinda Quick, but... 1.. mom will KILL me when she finds out what i have, 2. i hate living with my parents still.. and 3. i don't see anything going wrong in this relationship.... yea, so he is a little older then me, age is a number, Live for today not tomorrow... We get along so well.. and, Since he isn't very dominate.. i don;t have to argue when im right anyway... and i since i am also submissive, i have the balls to admit I'm wrong..... Not to mention he loves all the same things as me, and... i get to be the little homemaker i always wanted to be... and.. in bed.. yea.. im finallly satisified with just one person ;) haha... anyway... so.... wish me luck

Well... Idk whats going to happen, But, at least so far we have 2 things in common.. we live with the same disease and we study the same religion.... take it slow i guess.... im tired of getting hurt

He popped up on Ok Cupid, and, normally i skip over most men, cause.. i thought i was looking for a women... but.. i read his profile, and.. was automatically drawn in.. he replyed with "you will never like me"... puzzled, i was now determined to show him i was different... eventually i convinced him to talk to me on skype..... first messgae there was "you won't like me".. o yea? TRY ME.. hehe... after he explained why he thought i would never like him, i surprised him with the response, "well, i like all those things to" .. i believe his very next words were "i love you".. hehe... so we talked..for hours.. i mean.. from 11 am till.. o idk.. like 8 at night.... hehe.. :) it was amazing.. i have never ever connected like that.. its amazing to find someone with the same interests as me..

Guess what i'm getting to is, well.. I think this may be real..He, is perfect/// yea i know.. i have lived by the lesbian title all my life, but, he may have just changed that title

OK so its been awhile since i updated my Blog, so.. Here it goes, Dani and Alexander no longer exist, Alexander and I, had our differences... Sam and I, well.. Idk what that is, She is back with Julie, we will leave it with that... Kacy, I am sure I will never hear from again... Kiera, well.. yea.. I guess i scared her off too.... So.. what sums this up? Im single.. and, well.. kinda a fuck up, cause in all reality, tho this may be consided, i am, an awsome partener, I will do ANYTHING for my lover, All i want is them happy.. I love to cook and cuddle and give little surprises.. I pay attention to the little things that matter... My only problem is, I seem to.. snap when i get to close to someone.. Like, someone in my brain is like "HELL NO".. idk.. i say things i don't mean, i get into a bi-polar mood that never really shows unless im talking to the one i feel for.. I don't understand,.. i don't...

ANYWAY,.. I got into Claion for Early Childhood Development :D hooah for that.. Umm... I need to lose weight for the army.. YUCK.. and... uhhh.. yea thats about it.. :D

I met this amazning couple on OKC.... yes, the deal was just for friendship, and of  course... threesomes.... we are all very excited... i talk to them both on a daily basis, we have estabilshed a wonderful friendship.... After talking to Dani on the phone.. i learned that she missed her poly lifestyle, as well as having a girl in her life.... But, Alexander is not into sharing as anymore then the threesome.... Yes, i would do it in a heartbeat, but i respect the boundry he has set... But both have striking qulities, and even Alexander had made his way to my heart.. not to mention the sweet little thing he is dating... They are the perfect couple... believeing in everything i do, they are quiet, laid back, yet, fun and out going all at the same time.... For now... and possibly forever my be a friendship... but... maybe a glimps of light will shine over Alexander and he will consider letting me into their loving relationship, not only as a friend and lover, but... as family

SamSam and I agreed to.. just...friends... it hurts, but... I am glad she is just in my life... I have never had a friend like her before, and i hope to keep her in my life forever... Yea, we don't agree with some of the things that each other do.... but... what friendship agrees on everything, right? I support her and love her with all my heart.. and.. i think she is right... for now, friends is best.... possibly forever.. but, if things do fall together in the future, either way.. its all ok with me

In other news..... Yea.. idk really.. I been thinking alot about college, i just don't know what to do, what to take, you know.,....

Plus, I want to state this somewhere on my profile...Im not here for just sex... yes.. i have nude pics, yes, i write naughty stories, and read them as well.. but.. im also here for the normal part of the site to.... talking about real life issues and getting and giving the support needed.. im here for both aspects... :) ok.. i feel better now :D Have a great day!

Happy new year to all my fellow EPers... A year well spent and i wish you all the best in this new year... I made some resolutions myself... hopefully this year... i can keep them... cause i know i have never kept a full resolution before!.....

1. Eat Healthier (isn't that EVERYONES?)
2. Get serious about Religion
3. Get into College
4. Pass my PT test
5. Get help and help myself for my depression and aggression issues
6. Move out



If i can succeed in meeting these simple goals.. i think my life will finally be on the track that i need it on

Im trying to... i have been reading.. studying.. .learning...Wicca is really starting to make sence to me... Soon I plan to actually give myself to the Lord and Lady.... very soon..i have been conecting with the religon.. its nice to find something that gives me a peace of mind.. something i really do believe in... finally.. im not walking this earth completely alone..

Anyway!!!!!! besides that.. christmas went semi-well.. i got money to go towards fixing the Jeep.. and 125 for barnes n noble.. which.. was all spent today :)... while there.. in the gay liturature section.. i met this girl.. she was.. my height.... shoulder length blonde hair, and the sweetest voice... we sat and we talked... and then ran into each other again in the long line at the register... unfortunatly, she is only home for th eholiddays... and is going to school in Indiana (the STATE!) for social sciences.... impressive... she seems amazing... yet... i never even got her name

My life...is an empty hole. A plea of desperaton....I am alone....I am worthless. I have no hope for a successful life no hope for the family I have always dreamed of I will never have the things I dreAmesd of all my life. It is sad and depressig to dknow that I have never will amount to somehing worn remembrance..... All I can ask is that maybe my next life will make the pain worth the suffering

I fucked up.. excuse my language.. but... i think i actually ruined the only thing in this life that made me feel worth while... I love her... more then words could ever begin to describe.. and i can't believe i act the way i do... something inside me takes over.. i fight and i fight but this deep dark... devil inside me locks my true self behind a brick wall and destroys the world around me.. I try to fight it.. but... my mouth runs before my mind has anytime to stop it... I need her.. not as a friend.. no.. i can't live watching her in someone elses arms.. i need her in my life as my wife.. as the mother to our children.. as... my best friend.. idk what to do... she refuses to even speak to me at this point... is this really good bye? am I to give up? pack it up and just move on as if nothing happened? as if the kiss that night didn't make my heart skip a beat? i don't know if its possible.....but i really don't know what to do

Well.. i learned that i will be working non stop for the next 2 and a half weeks.... so i guess thats a good sign.... and.. got my lap top working.. hopefully i can sell it for some quick cash... also got my ipods for sell... im desperate for money.... just hoping all goes well... at work i discovered some cute sets for bedrroms and bathrooms.. and.. it got me wanting my own place so bad!.. Idk. nothing really to write today.. just needed to vent... Toodles

Thats what every person in this world should be saying to me.. No one knows who I am.. no body knows what I like, what i feel, no one knows my secrets, my demons.. I am a nobody to everyone... Even if i would want to shouw you who i am... well... i can't show you.. Im trapped... locked inside.... chained up... living off of nothing but dreams that i will never reach.... Sad don't you think? I do.. maybe i'm wrong, maybe someday i will get what i want... but, try to convince myself of that.. thats impossible... i can't do anything right... I know.. i'm pathetic.. I'm worthless.. i can't even think positive of myself... whats the point of trying? I crave nothing more then the kiss of a razorblade.... yea.. i have dreams of a wife and family... but what are the chances? i'm better of 6 feet under

My post yesterday started a small war.... as i assumed it would.. but.. i needed to let it out.... She thinks i doubt her... it is far from that.. When i look into those baby blue eyes.... i see nothing but love.. i know that the ex is only a friend.. i trust that she wouldn't do anything stupid with the ones who crush on and like her.... I know that she trusts and love me... None of that is my problem.. the relationship is not even part of my problem... My problem is is that i am scared of myself.. i'm scared of my mind.... I don't want to think the way I do.. I can't help it that i have a voice that tells me to pull the trigger day after day... I cna't help it that even when the words are at the tip of my tounge.. i choke on them because something tells me to shut the fuck up... Part of my mind is controling the other parts.... something about me is demented and is trying to kill off the good side of me... it finds ways to hurt me.. by hurting others..... If i lose her.. the first girl i have every truely loved... just because some other person that my mind has created wants me to be miserable.. I want to fight this demon... i can't seem to find him tho.... Its as if i am trapped behind a wall.. keeping him out of my reach............
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This is A second part to my Blog... something else that has been on my mind.... Tuesday night for the first time i wore a strap on cock... the reasons why are not needed in the details of this blog... that will be in another story at a later date.. my point is... Being a genderqueer.... i don't really classify as one sex or the other... i dress alot as a femme cause.. its fun and flirty... but i do crave to be masculine and having that cock.. seeing it attached as if it were my own.. well.. it made me hurt..... I want to be a man... and i women.. I'm stuck between the two... but it really hit me hard wearing that cock.. because it felt so right.. i felt everything.. and ever since then i been pretty down... thinking about how i wish so bad to become a man... yet wanting to keep my also feminine side.... I'm so confused

Is this love? I feel as if it is.. Yea i know all my blogs are about it.. about love and lust and being happy..... Probably pretty boring.. but.. if you have ever been in my shoes, for any part of my life, you would know that this is all a hugh change for me.. the love and compassion.. the togetherness.. the happiness itself,,, I am scared of these feelings truthfully... i'm scared of what they may bring.. i'm scared of the hurt they are capable of.....I've always been scared to be happy.. even though i love the feeling i get when my heart is floating... now.. i'm scared of running from what actually may be good for me... i hope i can keep strong and learn that happiness is not always a weakness.. and that just because you enjoy life don't mean that your guard is down,...so i am scared.. and.. i know she will read this... which i am also scared of... I call out to all my other fellow EPers.. what shall i do to convince myself that happiness is something that is earned... not something used to bring down the barriers and make a person weak.. help me keep up these walls i have built to protect myself, yet help me keep the one i feel for close to me..... I love her.. i hope i can just convince myself to see that.....

Best...Thanksgiving...EVER!!! At 2:04 this morning i receive a text message from the girl that i been longing to be with... we have been talking as if we were each others.. but, we just hadnt made that final step of making if official.. in this text, she said that she wanted to make me hers... thats the happiest i have felt in a long time :D.... after a few text and I called her... its official.... Samantha Brown and Jessica Jackson are now a couple *squees!* i been bouncing and giggling all morning... i have never been this happy over a girlfriend... i feel completed.. and honestly.. i feel as though some of my shattered pieces have regained their rightful positions in the jigsaw i call a heart... she has completed me... i feel.. happy, ecstatic.. floaty and... just... i feel like i should feel... I feel like a person...


This goes out to you my new love <3 you have my heart, and i hope for you to keep it... Sam, you are my blue eyed beauty, my princess, my mami... and i hope to give you the happiness you deserve..

OK, so, i have some things on my mind that, really have been bothering me... first off, am i really going to ever get the degree I want.. Y can't i find the motivation to do what i have always dreamed of!!!! will i ever have my day care? what about my resturant? will i ever have the house i want? the wife? the children? ok.. here is a new twist.. is my wife going to be her... that blue eyed beauty that i can't get enough of? Is my lil mami going to be mine? am i going to win her heart and be able to make her happy till the end of time....will she be able to heal my shattered soul.. will she be able to help me pick up my pieces and start a real life that makes me feel like i am worth something???? can i win the heart of the perfect girl? and make her as happy as she makes me? all of these questions plague my mind... i just hope soon i discover the answers, before i lose something that makes me the happiest i have been in my life

I.. am worried.... Lil Mami had a nightmare, now she is so upset, and.. that hurts me.. because.. no matter what her dreams say, my heart says different.. i really truely am in love with her.. and, she is still afraid to see it... it hurts to know her mind still thinks i can hurt her in anyway... truth is.. i have never felt this way, and i've never been so happy with someone in my life... i want to be her girl.. i want to be her everything... she is beautiful and perfect.. and i hate to know she hurts... i want to take the hurt away.. i want to make her happy.. i want to make her whole again... i just hope she can hold on to me untill she starts to see that i'm not playing a game.. that i really do.. love her

http://www.songkick.com/concerts/7269631-eyes-set-to-kill-at-archway-center?utm_content=ZD0yNDU1NTIz&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=shared&utm_campaign=concert-page


That is why i'm excited :) Thats is Why I am excited... I'm taking my lil mami to that concert.. She never been to a concert.. so i'm super excited to take her.. and.. they seem AWESOME..  hoping maybe this date could be the start of something great :) i love her oooo so much... i can't wait to see her face.. she already knows.. cause i needed her to take off work, but she still never been to a concert.. so it should be a blast!